The Lion King (EWW Video)
The Lion King is a EWW video aired Christmas 2015. Transcript # (the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown) Thirty-three-second Disney logo in the 90's makes me thankful this isn't a Pixar joint as well. # (when "Circle of Life" begins) One of the best animated movies of all time open with something powerful and dramatic and. . .s*it, for so many of the images and a well-constructed opening, we're going to take off three sins right of the at. (three sins removed) # These lazy-ass birds are lazy. # This is a ritual that needs to be done for some reason. # Even God shares his approval of the new lion cub by shining light down at the appropriate moment. Hopefully He'll save Simba's dad when the time come, too. # (when Zazu says "Madder than a hippo with a hernia") Wouldn't any mammal with a hernia be in basically the same amount of pain/anger? # Scar pretty much had no choice but to be a villain, since his parents named him Scar and he was born with evil eyes. # (when Mufasa tells Scar to spit Zazu out) Is this something that happens enough that Mufasa is only mildly upset that Scar tried to swallow Zazu? Why would Zazu even show up at his lair by himself if that's the case? # (when Mufasa says what he's ever going to do with Scar) i don't know. . .but after this scene I would DEFINITELY be on the lookout for Scar to pull some straight-up Hamlet sh*t in the next couple of days. # (when Sarabi talks to Mufasa) So they got James Earl Jones AND Madge Sinclair to basically reprise their roles as King and Queen from Coming to America----so does that mean Simba is going to go to Queens and work at a McDowell's? Does Simba one day get pulled over for having a transvestite hooker in his car? # (while Mufasa talks to Simba about their kingdom) Manifest destiny. # (when Mufasa talks to Simba about the shadowy place) Okay, first of all, it's a shadowy place, then the light ain't touching it, and Simba shouldn't have to ask. Second of all, you just said the light and sight were your borders, but now suddenly, oh yeah, we have interior borders around that scary place, I forgot. # (while Mufasa is talking about their kingdoms delicate balance to Simba) That's why there are gazelle bounding nearby with no fear whatsoever that i might eat them at any moment. Just like the REAL Africa! # (when Mufasa is talking to Simba about the circle of life) I'll be sure to tell the antelope that when they're grieving of their loved ones getting eaten. # (when Simba pounces Zazu) Mufasa allows Simba to be a dick to his loyal servants. # (when Simba complains about never getting to go anywhere) You're, like, six days old, dude. Jesus. # (while Simba is talking to Scar about what will happen to him when he becomes king) Why does everyone assume that Scar won't die well before Mufasa does? And why does Scar think he'll ever have a shot at the throne anyway? Scar seems well beyond the years where his possible royalty would even matter that much to him. He should have thought about killing Mufasa long ago Before Simba was even born. # Simba walks in on Nala while she's taking a bath. # (when Zazu begins to talk about Simba and Nala getting married) I mean, you're gonna do it! Oh, I'll just press the button for the stimulator, I mean the elevator! # (when Zazu says they have no choice) Having no choice is, like, the baseline attribute of a Disney character. # (while Simba is singing about what he'll do when he's king) Simba is outlining exactly how he'll bring about the downfall of the entire kingdom. . . selfishness and excessive playtime. # This whimsical break in the song could have been genuinely tragic. # Look, I know we're in a cartoon musical where anything can happen, but I'm drawing the line at synchronized animal pyramid stacking. # Zazu survives this. . . dammit. # (when Simba says their plan worked) Right, our plan to distract Zazu with song and then trap under a rhino's butt came off without a hitch! HOW F*CKING LUCKY are we?! # (when Nala says the whole thing was her idea) It was? i distinctly remember you saying. . .("So how are we gonna ditch the dodo?") and it was SIMBA doing the talking until Zazu interrupted. . . so how did you come up with it Nala? You lying whore! # The elephant graveyard is creepy and cool, but. . . how do all the elephants know to come here right before they die? Wouldn't some of them be, like,"F*ck it, I'm dying right here where I am"? Or. . . are you saying they die, but then other elephants or hyenas or some animal carries the bones all the way here just to keep this creepy spot a thing? # Zazu's zombie corpse shows up just in the nick of time to start what we here at Cinema Sins would now like to call,"The Flying Dead." # (when Banzai makes a joke about food to go) Haha. Nice joke, considering you spent precious seconds of escape time to come up with! # (when Simba wonders where Zazu is) Do you even worry about Zazu anymore after a RHINO SAT ON HIS BODY!? # Hungry hyenas have a hot "bowl" to put food in that merely makes said food blast off like a rocket. No wonder they're starving. # This is the longest spine anyone has slid down to escape in the history of spine-slide escapes. # (when Mufasa roars) I'm actually fine with Mufasa knowing Simba was in the elephant graveyard, but knowing EXACTLY where he was to save him in time? # So Scar's plan to get Simba into the northern border actually worked. . .but if he successfully killed Simba, then what? What was his plan to then kill Mufasa? # (when Simba puts his paw in Mufasa's paw print) Literal "big shoes to fill" reference. # (when Mufasa says "You deliberately disobeyed me") You just said that 2 minutes ago! ("You deliberately disobeyed me") Is this a repetitive dad or a copy/paste screenwriter? Discuss. # (when Shenzi says Simba and Nala weren't alone) Yeah they were----they were very alone for a good long while. . .but then you started talking before eating them and let them run away somehow. . .THEN they weren't alone. # (when "Be Prepared" starts) Wow, Scar found a way to get NATURE ITSELF on board with this musical number. # Whoa! This is a HUGE previously unseen hyena contingent just sitting around in the dark until now! # It seems like Scar has the power to become king right here. . .just simply through song. If you can find the right lyrics, something insane would happen and i bet you could dethrone Mufasa in no time. # Maybe frightened wildebeest would stampede down into a gulch like this. . . maybe they wouldn't. I have my doubts. But my REAL question is. . .with a ridge that steep, how come half of them aren't falling and slipping and rolling all the way down this steep-ass goddamn rock surface?! # Tons of clear area to the right here, but Simba also went to the Prometheus School of Running Away from Things. # Simba is, for any length of time, able to outrun the herd. # Simba falls out of Mufasa's mouth here, but of course isn't trampled. Because math. # (when Scar is about to throw Mufasa off the cliff) Well, s*it. . .this movie has some balls. The death of Mufasa is something very few cartoons are willing to do. It's plot-appropriate, it's dramatic----so we will remove 5 sins. (five sins removed) # Despite that though---Scar gets a massive lucky break after being super unlucky, doesn't he? The whole plan should have worked without a hitch, but Mufasa's a bastard and survives all the way up until the point where Scar is forced to straight-up murder him. Not only that, everything with the cliff is perfect so that Simba doesn't see this. # (when Simba thinks his dad is alive but it's just a willdebeest) "Getting your hopes up" wildebeest. # Also, where the hell was this guy when the massive stampede was going on? Did he oversleep or something? Did he wake up and look at his watch and say,"S*it! I"m late for the stampede!"? # (when Scar tells Simba to run away and never return) Question. . . why doesn't he just kill and/or eat Simba right now? There are no witnesses, and if he telling him to run away there's obviously a benefit for Scar to having Simba out of the picture. And he's a wimpy baby lion who you already tried to have killed earlier anyway. So. . . why send away the one dude that can challenge your claim to the throne?! This is so much worse than monologuing. # (when Scar orders the hyenas to kill Simba) WHAT?! This is even WORSE than NOT killing him!! Why didn't YOU kill him six seconds ago? Why are you letting this turn into a game for the hyenas and s*it?! You want him dead, right? They're the fools that failed you last time, dog. The f*ck?! # Simba has to climb this to avoid the hyenas, but the movie glosses over that and he's at the top before they even catch up. # Simba survives this. # Simba's mom just accepts he's dead, with no body to be found, mere hours after everything went down. # Zazu conveniently forgets that Scar punched him into a rock a minute ago when this s*it started getting real. It's almost like he forgets the guy has all the markings of a true villain, that this is what he wanted all along, and that HE WAS PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. # Buzzards start swirling around an animal that is clearly not dead and hasn't begun to decay for them the be attracted to it yet. # Timon-and-Pumbaa ex machina. . .but my question is, why do they even give a s*it? # (when "Hakuna Matata" starts) Even if you killed your dad, we promise that's not bad. . . wait--- # Cute song, but shaving his claws down like this is a horrible idea that only endangers him further out here in the wild, you dolt. # (while Pumbaa is singing about his farts) Seriously, fart jokes are the literal easiest, laziest comedy there is, and it bothers me to see them in otherwise brilliant films like this. # Also. . .(the grass falls down) # (when Timon stops Pumbaa from saying "Fart") So. . .it's completely OK to show and sound out farts onscreen, just not call them by their name. Gotcha. # (when they all say "Hakuna Matata" together) "Hakuna Matata" glosses over the thing that made Timon an outcast. Did he murder a family of four? I bet he murdered a family of four. # How "A Bug's Life" Should Have Ended. # Simba definitely wasn't interesting during the time he grew into an adult, so we'll tell that story in dissolves as he walks across a log. # Zazu can get his head between these bone/bars but not the rest of his tiny ass body. # Scar wanted to be king for some reason----more food? Surley he had enough. More women? Um. . .knowing Scar, definitely not. So what the hell did we want from being king? At least King Claudius wanted to get a wife out of the deal----I don't see what Scar's motive is. The only thing he did was make the hyenas and lions live together. . . and then. . .profits? # (when Zazu begins the sing "It's a Small World After All" then is stopped by Scar) Annoying Disney tune was around even in the time Africa existed. # (when a burp is heard) On a scale of lazy-ass writing, burp jokes are literally one slot above fart jokes. # (while Timon talks) I"m wondering something---did Disney ask Billy Crystal to do this voice, and when he turned it down, they got Nathan Lane to do a Billy Crystal impression? # Some of you think these flower petals spell out "SEX" when Simba falls into them. I think alot of you have dirty minds. . .Hey, look, I think I see a vagina in those flowers! # Ninja magic medicine monkey is so ninja I wonder why ANY of this movie had to happen. # (while Timon and Pumbaa sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") Movie about remote African animals simply jam-packed with pop-culture references. You know. . . for kids! # Thankfully for the resolution of this story, Nala wanders REALLY f*cking far from the Pride Lands to hunt and does so on the HUGE continent of Africa in the EXACT direction where Simba is! PHEW! Close one, there. # Also, Nala, a freaking force of nature lioness, can't catch up to a freaking warthog. # By the way, Simba should have his ASS KICKED in this fight. He's been living the Hakuna Matata life, remember? He hasn't ever had to hunt or do anything badass his entire life. # (while Nala is talking to Timon) Wait a minute. . .Pumbaa was food a minute ago. Are you telling me if someone vouches for him, he ceases to be food? # (when Timon makes a pun about lions) Has any Disney movie loved puns more than this one? I don't think so, is what I'm saying. # (when "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" starts) I realize the knew each other as kids, and were betrothed as kids, AND that they're still the only two lions way out here and s*it. . . but still. . . this "hey i recognize you now and I love you" s*it seems rushed as HELL! # Well, they're not running away from any danger, but a sudden hill shows up again out of nowhere that they can fall down. Possibly so that this G-rated film can have something that substitutes for a sex scene without alarming the MPAA. # (when Nala says Simba must save the Pride Lands) Why can't YOU do something?! Why can ONLY the "heir to the throne we just now learned was alive" do something?! # (when Simba asks if Nala is satisfied and she says "No") Post-coital argument. # (Rafiki tells Simba that Mufasa is alive) Rafiki gets Simba's hopes up again only to show him the idea of his dad being alive in one of those metaphorical things. I think Simba would have been happier with one of those Hogwarts paintings of living dead people. # (when Rafiki says Mufasa lives in Simba) "The power was inside you all along" cliche. # Cool part of the movie, I suppose, but. . . would Simba have gone back to claim his throne without this supernatural dad-vision?! I feel like his character would have been stronger if he hadn't needed this vision to make the choice. Am I alone here?! # (when Mufasa's spirit says Simba forgot him) Yeah, maybe so. But he was a kid when you died. if you has this magical cloud power before, maybe you could have given him a boost. # Simba's going home! But you know what? This scene isn't inspiring enough. . . let's add a shooting star! You know what? We need another. Okay ONE more and we'll call it a perfect shot. Thank you! # Man, the vegetation all dies, the weather is terrible. . . EVERYTHING about this entire ecosystem is based on the sitting lion king's evilness or goodness! # (when Simba says that Timon and Pumbaa need to distract the hyenas) Oh really? What did you plan to do if Timon and Pumbaa didn't make the trip? # Huge distraction caused in order to remove. . . 3% of the hyenas in their path. Seems worth it. # (when Simba says tells the truth) Simba "tells the truth" but somehow doesn't give the full story----one that he would easily be forgiven for even if it's 100% true. You'd think as an adult he'd be like, "My stupid little kid roar caused a bunch of wildebeest to stampede?" I think not! # (when Simba tries to say he's not a murderer) I mean, seriously. . .Simba makes things way worse by simply not telling the story. And murder? Does anyone in the pride actually think that baby Simba could have pulled off a straight-up murder of Mufasa? # "Lightning strikes nearby and sets s*it on fire during the climax" cliche -wait. . . what the f*ck is going on?! # (when Rafiki yells) Well, it's over now. Benson has joined the battle. # Also. . . the f*ck was this asshole waiting for? the battle to turn in the heroes' favor?! # (when Pumbaa yells "THEY CALL ME 'MISTER PIG'"!) Finally! Taxi Driver and In the Heat of the Night, together at last! # (when Simba tells Scar to run away and never return) Hey, that's exactly what Scar told Simba to do earlier! # "Villain does some bulls*it to justify the good-hearted hero straight-up killing them" cliche # I'm sorry. . .I want him to win, for sure. But Simba has NEVER been in a fight. Unless during that unimportant time where he was walking across a log and aged 5 years he somehow joined a dojo or something we didn't see. . .he should get his ass kicked right here. # Rain comes to wash away the fire just in time for Simba to be king again. You'd think with this kind of higher power, there wouldn't have been a conflict to begin with. # (when Simba lets out a loud roar) Simba does the thing that killed his dad in the first place. # And in no time, ALL the vegetation and life grew back and began to flourish, solely due to the moral compass of the current king. Huzzah! # Arranged marriages are always accurate and perfect and you shouldn't fight them. Movie Sin Tally: 92 (102 - 10 = 92) Sentence: Dethroned Category:EWW Videos Category:Videos Category:EWW Videos w/ Disney Animated Canon Category:CinemaSins Wiki